she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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