My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
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i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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