I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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