I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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