Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
