I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
