the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
