my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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