i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
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how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
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Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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