i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
