Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just want nice things and good sex
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
