Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
