I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
