i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
