it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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