My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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