ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
