maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
