Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm like, not good at living.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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