Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
