there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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