1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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