Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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