I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
