I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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