I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
