I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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