I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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