I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
