Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
