awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
