I think i peed on brittanys purse
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
