Too much gin, very little bucket
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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