life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Send help, water and tortillas.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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