what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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