textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
