It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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