my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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