You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
