rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
