Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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