i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH