The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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