Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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