I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
