I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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