she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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