Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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