i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
