My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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