her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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