Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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