dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
