I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
