I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
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I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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