hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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