you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
