I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
