wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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