i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
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Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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